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BIOSAFETY NEWS: December 2002/January 2003

All of us use various defenses from time to time to prevent our inner selves from being hurt and as a way of helping us cope. Alcoholics, because of their drinking habits are more susceptible to constant assault and berating by society and they therefore resort to using these defense mechanisms with increasing frequency. Finally they literally become a part of their daily pattern of coping, and protecting themselves by shutting out the guilt they would otherwise feel.

However of special note here is denial. Any time I was approached on the subject of denial over my alcohol abuse, I became defensive. This is because I mistakenly associated the word denial, with the word lying.

But denial is a subconscious process, which the individual uses to block out the reality of something that feels threatening. A person honestly will not know when they are in denial and will not be able to see it at all. It is easy to see denial in others though - just difficult to see it in ourselves.

Denial is so entrenched in those suffering from alcoholism that it is often referred to as the 'disease of denial'. This is the fatal facet of addiction as it leaves the alcoholic vulnerable to injury or death. It allows the alcoholic to continue drinking trapped in a self-deluding bubble of 'all is well' with sometimes tragic consequences.

I rode a motorcycle for years while drinking alcohol heavily and only suffered one near fatal accident (though I suffered many minor ones). I always bragged I rode better after several hours drinking. This was in spite of all documented evidence to the contrary there is showing how one becomes impaired after only a few drinks. I constantly thank God that I never killed the countless people I carried including my girlfriend (now my wife) or even myself.

Then the constant anxiety attacks, as I was about to go and have a drink. Would it end in chaos again? Would I end up hurting my wife and kids again? I would try to assuage these fears with clenched-teeth determined statements like, 'I would have four beers maximum - well maybe five...maximum six! Or maybe I should not drink today? But no. It would be okay. This time I would not go beyond my limit. This time I would only have those drinks I had decided on. Six maximum. No more. And I could do it. In fact this time I would do it for the sake of my family. No more than six!'

All the while these thoughts were swirling around in my skull, anxiety rose and crashed in stormy waves churning my insides and emotions until I was almost hyperventilating. But at no time during this agonising turmoil did I consider ‘not drinking’ as an option.

Ultimately I succeeded in relieving not only my immediate anxiety, but also in blocking out my ability to see and experience reality. I would convince myself that this time around it would be different from all the other times. This then is the final insanity in alcoholism. Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

This misty myopic view of life caused by the over dependence on defense mechanisms explains the difference in the way an alcoholic sees events as compared with the reality everybody else around them is actually observing. It allowed me like any other alcoholic to only see the positive side of alcohol use. Unfortunately these defense mechanisms, of which every human being has several of (e.g. regression, rationalization, selective and euphoric recall and minimising) - are the very ones which work to keep denial alive and kicking.

The result would sometimes border on the tragicomical. Imagine for a moment, an alcoholic wending his way merrily home after a bout of heavy drinking. Somewhere along the line he collapses in a stupor by the roadside and comfortably falls asleep. When he finally wakes to cautious prodding by curious wanaanchi on their way to work, he marvels at how strong the drink must have been to 'interrupt his journey home.' Must have been excellent stuff. Very strong, might as well go back for more. He does not see the ignominy of sleeping in a ditch, or the laughter of those citizens who poked him awake and are now relieved that he is not dead. No. All he can think of is getting back to where they sold him that 'good, strong drink' before it finishes.

Usually alcoholism develops gradually and subtly over a long period of time but without the 'drinkers' knowledge. Therefore by the time 'its' presence is being felt it is already well established and the person has entered the realm of illusion which in turn generates DENIAL.

This is the most commonly used unconscious defense. Here the need to protect the psychological pain is so strong that even a daily activity - like drinking - is denied. It must be remembered that denial originates from the sub-conscious mind, and is a total blanket like defense, which covers everything in a massive effort to protect the inner self from pain.

This sets the stage for another powerful emotion, shame, to join the cast. Coupled with ignorance over the difference between drunkenness, which is willful and alcoholism a disease, this cloak of shame completely envelops those living with the alcoholic.

The complicated, convoluted ways of alcoholism paralysed me the alcoholic and those who were living close to me. Somehow, though we were all locked in this bizarre dance, we refused to admit and accept the reality of what was happening right in front of our eyes.

One of the reasons for this I have since found out in my recovery process, is that alcoholic behavior is not constant. I would have long periods of sobriety. Times when I felt for whatever reason that I should stay off the booze for a while. Maybe I was working on a project, or to prove to myself that I could or maybe just a challenge from my friends that I could not stay without a drop for say, three weeks. But whatever the reason after abstaining for the set period without touching a drop, all I achieved was end up reinforcing mine and my loved ones and friends belief that alcohol was not my problem.

If anything it merely emphasized what I had all along asserted - that I drank because of other problems. Otherwise any 'fool' knew that an alcoholic was someone who would not last even a single day without drinking yet here I was going even weeks at a go, ‘bone dry.’ No! Alcohol could not be my problem.

During those periods of 'calm' all those close to me were always quick to convince all and sundry that "he was just going through a bad patch," "he was recently bereaved," "the problem at the office has been resolved" and so on. In fact they would just as soon have put the whole issue behind them satisfied that it had 'gone away.' Unfortunately alcoholism if not managed does not go away, but only gets worse.

With every apparently unexplainable new bout of resumed drinking, all the damaging emotions they had smothered like anger and rage all resurfaced with a vengeance. I had been all right, and now for no apparent reason here I was off again. Obviously the only logical explanation was I was doing this intentionally to ‘hurt’ and ‘spite’ them. At this point the family is in serious trouble.

Of all the defenses used by an alcoholic denial is the biggest obstacle to recovery as it affects not only the person drinking but also his family and thus by extension society at large. This point I cannot stress enough.

Denial is the all-stops-pulled effort by the alcoholic to avoid his pain or problem. Thus though it may look like lying it is actually more Machiavellian and devious, being a system of self defense to deal with the loss of self-esteem, pain, guilt loneliness and helplessness which hound him constantly as a result of his drinking.

Thus denial has many facets and purposes. It buys time for the alcoholic, keeps the accusers at bay and paramount it allows the alcoholic to continue drinking and thence to numb their pain. Therefore denial can be seen as the most significant symptom of the alcoholics symptoms.

How to handle denial is then a very tricky business. But the main thing I found out is that one has to have humility. I had to be able to not only see, but accept the truth about myself. Never easy.

A trick that made it easier to tackle my denial, was realising that we all have it. I will also never be completely free of denial, as it is a major part of a human beings defense system. So I move through it bit by bit openly and honestly looking at the reasons behind my defensiveness.

Asking "why am I being so defensive when someone talks about alcohol?" Or "what is it that they see about me that I possibly cannot see?" Therefore to me the most important aspect required to tackle denial is honesty. Yes! That simple.

Kenyans too are therefore required to be honest with themselves to overcome their own denial if they are to help their alcoholic loved ones. For an alcoholic is not someone to be ashamed of and hidden away but someone who is ill and needs treatment like any other sick person. Once an alcoholic (and those close to them) come out of denial and accept that he/she has a problem, half the battle is won.

My acceptance of my problem started me on my road to recovery. Once I threw away my warm comforting blanket of denial and accepted that I had a drinking problem, the rest has followed. My life has been literally handed back to me. How many times does God give you the chance to start again, wipe the slate clean and do it all over again? Very few human beings get that chance - every alcoholic who comes out of denial does. The alternative is for an alcoholic is as always JAIL, MENTAL INSTITUTION or DEATH!

David Ogot is a freelance journalist/producer who has personal experience with alcoholism. He can be reached at goinghomedotcom@yahoo.com