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by Betsy Namisi and Sylvia Kimingi

Life Magazine: Sunday Standard newspaper, September 8, 2002

The pain of living with an alcoholic sends cold shivers down the spine. Alcoholics are known for giving excuses for their behavior, which is easier for them to do than accept their true status. For 21 hard years, Eileen Ogot lived with her husband David Ogot, as he sank deeper and deeper into the sea of alcoholism. No amount of therapy or lectures would convince him that he was terribly sick.

David had started drinking while in form one at Lenana boys’ School. Initially, it was all merely an attempt to fit in with his contemporaries. Just to look cool for the girls. But by the time he was in form four, what had just been nothing other than an acquired taste had slowly turned into a habit. David could not go for a day without a pint of beer.

By the end of form four, David’s grades had dropped drastically, forcing him to relinquish his place in the 'A' level class at Lenana. He was forced to join another school where he would sneak out of school and end up in the bar. A smooth talker, David would give excuses to cover up for his absence from work and family gatherings, other than accept his sickness and seek treatment. Alcoholism might seem more like the desire for having a good time than its true calling, which is the constant craving for 'just one drink'.

When Eileen first met David in 1979 at a party, she saw in him a man who enjoyed having a good time and who drank just as much as everyone else. For years, neither she nor his family realised the dangerous drive to David’s drinking habit. The two would meet at the movies just like all the other people their age were doing. Most of the time he would prefer to sit downstairs in the pub while Eileen watched the movie alone and later joined him.

Eileen recalls that they had planned to get married as soon as he returned from India where he had gone to pursue his university education in 1982. Prof. Bethuel Allan Ogot and his wife Grace Ogot had felt that India would offer the best solution for their son’s problem as drinking was prohibited in that country unless one had a permit. But this move proved futile as not only did David purchase his worth in alcohol and cigarettes before departure, but on arrival in new Delhi, checked into a hotel where he discovered that he could drink to his fill without being prosecuted.

After an unsuccessful suicide attempt and running up bills to the tune of thousands, David went back home minus a degree or any other form of university accreditation. The painful truth was that David had spent the four years in India wasting his life. He arrived home in 1986 and locked himself away, too embarrassed to face the world and his younger siblings who looked up to him. After three weeks seclusion, David faced his father asking him to find him a job.

Due to their influence the Ogots got their son reputable jobs, but he would be sacked due to drinking. Eileen says she initially ignored David’s drinking as a passing problem, but it developed to a frightening level. Household goods began to disappear and David would disappear for days from their matrimonial home. So great was Eileen’s love for her husband that she sat with him in bars until the wee hours of the morning just to ensure he got back home daily.

While she sat in the bar waiting for her husband, her four children would be subjected to nosy neighbor's who would ‘pop in’ to check on them. The children were forced to contend with peeping neighbor's who would constantly badger them for news of their father’s whereabouts. Although the children are generally an intelligent lot, their father’s drinking habit was taking a toll on their performance in school. The children were taken to a boarding school in order for them to escape the tension at home.

David’s drinking was also taking it’s toll on Eileen who regularly had to call his boss to make excuses for his absence from work after a night of too much drinking. David was never able to hold onto a job for more than a year at a time. Though Eileen could count on support from both David's family and her own, the drinking habit was depleting family finances. Every so often, either electricity or water would be disconnected for non-payment of bills. Eileen says life was unbearable as she was expected to be both father and mother to the children as well as the bread winner. She was also burdened by her husband’s condition. She had to get a solution soon.

Eileen recalls she was forced to quit her job as a personal assistant for three years to sit at home with her alcoholic husband waiting on him to finally play his role as the head of the family. She was fed up. She hoped that by doing so, he would change for the better and see the need to earn money for the family’s upkeep. But this proved futile. For a short while, David took on the responsibility but before long, the family finances were dwindling as David drank all their savings. Eileen went back to work for the sake of the children.

October, 1, 2000 will forever remain etched on Eileen’s mind. This was after 21 dreary years of picking up her husband from bars. David called his wife from a bar at 4.30 a.m. where he had been drinking for four consecutive days and asked her to help him get rid of alcohol addiction. He had realised that it was time to stop or else the alcohol would kill him.

Picking up David was just as trying as living with him had been. Having spent four days in a bar, he looked disheveled and unkempt. It took a great deal of her love to accept him as he was. Eileen describes the moment as trying, saying it was not the first time David was quitting drinking. Twice he had stopped and joined rehabilitation centers and twice he had walked straight out of the centers and into bars. She only hoped that it would be the last time this time round.

These were trying times for both Eileen and the children as they failed to understand why their father could not just quit drinking for good. The Ogots were of great support to Eileen and the children as in their final attempt, they had admitted David at Asumbi Rehabilitation Center, which finally bore fruit. His five month stay at Asumbi included classes to help one cope with alcoholism as a disease, therapeutic communication and a programme of structured living which dictated what and when to carry out activities. Personal sessions with counselors were encouraged as a way of getting to the root of the problem and accepting that one was suffering from a disease.

David has not touched alcohol since and though friends offer him a drink once in a while, his regrets and fear help him to overcome the urge to have ‘just one’

Eileens greatest regret through all this was that she had no idea about the issue she was dealing with. She had never fully registered the magnitude of David’s problem. She did not know whom to turn to for help and preferred to sweep everything under the carpet.

Eileen advises those in similar circumstances to understand that alcoholism is a disease like any other. She strongly emphasises the major role that alcoholism plays in the spread of aids in the society. She says people should understand that an alcoholic suffers just as much as those around him or her. 'The alcoholic needs to be understood and helped.' She advises.

Eileen appeals to the society to pay attention to this great killer which has quietly found its way into our culture and is slowly killing our youth and breaking up families.. She says that justifying an alcoholic’s behavior is one of the worst things that can be done ad that the alcoholics family should be open to communicate the problem instead of being ashamed and hiding it.

David, 41 and Eileen, 40 still live with the fact that David might go back to drinking but have decided to choose to have faith in their love and in God, hoping that all will be well. Their children, a daughter and three boys aged between 14 and 21 years, believe that with faith and prayer, their father can beat alcoholism. They advise parents to talk openly to their children about such situations. The children feel that if the society were to accept alcoholics instead of shunning them, the road to recovery would be less bumpy.

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