In order for a spouse to confront the alcoholic effectively, he or she must first understand how they feel about the alcoholic, how these feelings came about and why they ahve to change these attitudes before they may be of any help.

With continued drinking, my lifestyle began to deterioate to the extent that I became more unpredictable at social gatherings. One never knew what I would do next-from the comical to the outrageous to the offensive-so friends and aquaintances began to avoid me. Those who were closer to me, however, often confronted me, leading to my becoming defensive and withdrawn. I took to drinking in places where they would never dream of finding me, the so-called third-world areas. here in 24-hour bars or the changa''a (fiery local brew) hangouts I found people whom I felt I could drink with without ever hearing criticism. We would drink here for days and it was not considered untoward.

Unfortunately, my wife, aware of what was happening, reacted by taking on new roles, until ultimately her own behaviour formed a defence which prevented both of us from seeing the reality of the situation. As is very common in these situations, the spouse had become the unwitting enabler.

In the earlier stages when my heavy drinking spells were sporadic, she unconciously began to take on the role of a protector by calling the various employers I had and making excuses for my failure to appear at work. There would also be apologies to my family or friends for improprieties I had committed during a drinking bout. These new responsibilities lowered her self-image as conversely her defences rose to hide reality from her. She began to use rationalisation and repression as defences: "Thus like me the alcoholic, she suceeded in forming a wall of self-deception which allowed my illness to continue.

It is crucial to see how defences had taken control of her life. Meanwhile, as my drinking increased so did my projections, and many of them were targeted at my wife. "If you continue to nag me about drinking, I won't even come home, then we will see who you will nag!" Or "you don't understand me anymore, that's why I go to drink!"

I did not undertsnad that unconciously as alcoholics are wont to do, I was dumping my self-hatred on her, which in turn increased her feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

She became a protector in an unconcious attempt to prove to herself that she was a worthwhile person instead of realising that she was reacting to my projections of self-hatred.

But with my increased drinking this was soon difficult even for her and that is when she slipped into the next stage, that of the controller.

As my wife's feelings of self-worth decreased, so she increasingly felt responsible and this was helped along by my increased projections. So in an unconcious attempt to regain some feeling of self-worth, the attitude of controller became part of her defensive lifestyle.

That is when she began to cancel any social meeting which might have led to excessive drinking (this included even weddings), or if she had to go drinking with me in the hope that this would help keep me within limits. She also pleaded that if I loved her or the children, I should control my drinking. Finally she assumed responsibility for the family finances. My drinking was like a failure on her part and thus she would not feel good about herself until my drinking was brough under control. But then this was a catch 22 situation as the more she tried to control my drinking, the more I drank and in another desperate attempt to handle her feelings of low self-esteem she moved into the next stage - the blamer.

Another brick was now to be cemented onto her wall of self-deception and this was the attitude of the blamer. This caused her to unwittingly project onto others her feelings of anger, fear, hate and failure where I now was seen as the cause of her problems.

These bad feelings about herself would be thrown back at me in several ways, like blaming ("if you could drink like a normal person I wouldn't be on your case") attacking ("why don't you start acting like a man and use some will power to control your drinking? After all I control my drinking!").

This also led to threatening, ("If you don't shape up, me and the kids will leave.") and silence where she would give me the cold shoulder.

But as my drinking continued unabated she began to experience mood swings which ranged between extremes, from depression and crying in the bedroom, to angry outbursts, which would be triggered by very minor incidents, and this only served to confuse her and make her even wonder if she was not going mad. Thus her defences again rose and blocked out the full import of these feelings, which prevented her from undertsnading them and hense gaining release from them. She had now become so rigid and fixed in her defensive attitudes that other family members and friends began to feel uncomfortable with her. She was now a loner. She would unknowingly slip into such defensive roles as the matry: "I would have been so far in life if only..." or "I stay for the sake of the children..." and "...God knows I've tried!" She had now become the enabler. Isolated, hurt and confused by my drinking not seeing that she had progreesively assume more responsibility for me. THis in turn allowed me to avoid the consequences of my abnormal drinking.

My enabler was now my co-alcoholic. By this stage she sincerely believed her only problem was my drinking, which was miles away from the reality. She could not see how her defensive attitudes kep her trapped in a life filled with self-pity, loneliness and hostility.