|
On the 30th of November, a Sunday I listened with tears in my eyes to Mrs. Esther Gitau as she told the viewers of how she had persevered for 20 years in a marriage in which she was constantly beaten by her husband whenever she questioned his excessive drinking.
Esther in reply to why she had persevered so long, replied that she had hoped that he would change. That she did not want to admit that her marriage was failing.
The programme Josphat Makori’s award winning Mandhari Ya Wiki, along with Esther also hosted Jackline Mogeni, the Chairperson of the Coalition on Violence Against Women (CoVAW) and the topic was gender violence.
Every year between November 25 and December 10 the Sixteen Days of Activism Against Gender Violence is marked. This year it was launched with a procession and a public debate with the theme "Violence against women violates human rights: Eradicate violence for a progressive society."
The campaign will also be marked in Kisii, Taveta, Voi, Mombasa and the Dadaab Refugee Camp.
As Esther listed her travails, my heart went out to her. She talked about how her husband would tell her he was busy working. But how she wondered could he be working for three days in a row without coming home.
But shock and them an explosion of long simmering anger would replace wonder as she soon discovered that during many of these extended absences her man was drinking and carousing right under her nose in the estate with his cronies. You would find they had just been there "even drinking funny drinks!"
At this juncture one of the callers to the programme asked her if she was sure she wasn’t the cause of the problems and that maybe her husband went out to drink to get the courage to come and deal with the problem namely her.
Here Esther admitted that she did have a rather hot temper, but now that she had been going for counseling she had learnt that she had to talk to her husband in a calm fashion even as she asked him where he had been.
This then is where a major problem arises. For all intents and purposes from what I could make out from her description of her situation and her husbands behavior, he is probably an alcoholic.
Almost half the cases of domestic violence, including violence against spouses, children and other family members is alcohol (or other drug) induced.
Yet it is often attributed to other causes. Here was Esther having been advised by her counselor that maybe if she talked calmly to her husband he might change. How was he going to change as long as he kept on drinking?
What would happened when he finally maimed her for life or worse still killed her in a drunken rage? When sober he would be remorseful, might even commit suicide himself unable to live with the guilt. But why was the situation allowed to deterioate to that stage?
Women especially African women are typically disadvantaged by the traditional role society has imposed on them. They are looked upon as caregivers, nurturers under whatever conditions.
The African situation makes it worse where in many societies women are looked upon as no better than children when it comes to decision making issues and are thus there to be seen but rarely heard.
Regular beatings too are seen as a sign of love, fallacies supported by even cabinet ministers who have come out blasting organisations like Federation Of Women Lawyers (FIDA) and CoVAW even as they defended wives who had been battered by other M.P.s.
Significant others living with alcoholics and their friends are in denial over the alcoholics drinking and would rather attribute it to any other reason under the sun as they clutch at any straw to avoid sinking in the stormy waters conjured up by the dreaded word alcoholism. But in this they are not alone.
Indeed all members of society try to avoid using this word, a case in point here that even members of the medical profession will wrongly attribute deaths brought about by alcoholism to other causes.
Thus ladies (and even men) in Esther’s position will be advised to see their Pastor’s who will in turn advice them to pray, but persevere. Do not abandon your loved one in their moment of need. Love them, care for them, nurture them for this is what is expected of you and you can do no less. It is your duty.
At other times after a particularly vicious beating, the woman might decide to seek refuge back at her parents house or with a close relative or friend. The sober and now full of remorse spouse will then make peace overtures in a bid to have her or him return to their matrimonial home.
The elders might then sit down and after gravely adjudicating the case might fine the offending spouse with a bull, or some other form of livestock or even cash before declaring the issue resolved and ordering the wife back to her home.
Shortly thereafter the cycle would start again. The same advice, be patient, do not abandon, the elders have fined him, talk calmly, marriage is hard work.
Ultimately there comes the one beating too many. The beating which is the proverbial straw that finally breaks the camel’s back and the woman finds herself at the doors of CoVAW.
Here as Mogeni pointed out they often arrive confused “not sure of what they want.” Some are even on the point of suicide. Finally after deciding what cause of action they want to pursue, there are those who will decide enough is enough.
They want to break out of this cycle of violence and the only way out they see, is by getting a divorce. Thus decided, proceedings begin and the divorce goes through.
Meanwhile the man continues to drink, soon meets another lady, marries her and launches into a fresh cycle of drinking and beating. Thus families break up in many cases because of the wrong tooth being pulled.
Women like Esther should know that it is not because of anything they do or fail to do that make their husbands drink the way they do. This drinking is simply most often because their husband is alcoholic.
No matter how long they try to be patient, this in itself will not treat the alcoholism. They need to understand that this is a sick person who needs help. He needs to confront his disease and deal with it.
What CoVAW needs to do for those in Esthers position is to get them to someone who is conversant with alcohol and other substance abuse counseling or better still a recovering alcoholic.
This will enable her to get a proper understanding of the disease of alcoholism, her role in it and how to proceed with her husband so that he is made aware that he must now be responsible for the consequences of his drinking.
He must be told that he is sick and his compulsive drinking is no longer acceptable. That there are treatment options available. Only now when both parties are fully equipped with the correct spanners to fix the engine should they proceed.
If the husband is unwilling even after being made aware of his situation, to do anything about it, he can now be called culpable and the pain he is causing can now be classified as intentional. For he has all the facts at his fingertips, but refuses to act on them.
Here now is when ladies like Esther can bail out either temporarily with a separation, or permanently with a divorce, this time firm in the belief that it is being done for the correct reason.
Organisations like FIDA and CoVAW are doing an excellent job in the face of outmoded beliefs and customs. But they should recognise that alcohol which has nothing to do with these reasons is a major factor to be considered in the domestic violence equation.
Contary to what Minister Fred Gumo and others’s of his ilk might believe, alcohol and not FIDA or CoVAW is the major reason for family breakups.
But these organisations should not fall victim to the current mass denial over the existence of a disease called alcoholism. For if they too are ensnared by this denial and ignorance, many families will be broken up needlessly simply for lack of a correct diagnosis.
Ultimately this would be a greater tragedy and a mockery of long suffering women like Esther Gitau.
David Ogot Sr.
3.12.03
Nairobi, Kenya
David Ogot is a freelance journalist/producer based in Nairobi with personal experience in alcoholism. He can be reached goinghomedotcom@yahoo.com Website: www.goinghomekenya.org
| 