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In order for a spouse to confront the alcoholic effectively they must first understand how they feel about the alcoholic, how these feelings came about and why they have to change these attitudes before they can be of any help to the suffering alcoholic.

With my continued drinking, my lifestyle begun to deteriorate to the extent that I became more unpredictable at social gatherings. One never knew what I would do next from the comical to the outrageous to the offensive and thus friends and acquaintances began to avoid me. Those who were closer to me however often confronted me, leading to my becoming defensive and withdrawn.

I took to drinking in places where they would never dream of finding me, the so-called 'third-world' areas. Here in 24-hour bars or the changaa (fiery local brew) hangouts I found people who I felt I could drink with without ever hearing criticism. We could drink here for days and it was not considered untoward.

Unfortunately, my wife aware of what was happening reacted by taking on new roles until ultimately her own behavior formed a defense which prevented both of us from seeing the reality of the situation. As is very common in these situations, the spouse had become the unwitting enabler.

In the earlier stages when my heavy drinking spells were sporadic she unconsciously begun to take on the role of a protector by calling the various employers I had and making excuses for my failure to appear at work. There would also be apologies to my family or friends for improprieties I had committed during a drinking bout.

These new responsibilities lowered her self-image while conversely her defenses rose to hide reality from her. She began to use rationalisation and repression as defenses "it's not as bad as you think, he just had a bad day at the office." Thus like me the alcoholic, she succeeded in forming a wall of self-deception which allowed my illness to continue.

It is crucial to see how defenses had taken control of her life. Meanwhile as my drinking increased so did my projections and many of them were targeted at my wife. "If you continue to nag me about my drinking, I won't even come home then we will see who you will nag!" Or "you don’t understand me anymore that's why I go to drink!"

I did not understand that unconsciously as alcoholics are wont to do, I was dumping my self-hatred on her which in turn increased her feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Was she really a good wife, mother and person? Was she the cause of my drinking? As these doubts increase her defenses rose up to block out the reality and helped to blot out her negative feelings about herself. She became a protector in an unconscious attempt to prove to herself that she was a worthwhile person instead of realising that she was reacting to my projections of self-hatred.

In looking after me to the hilt, apologising and excusing me, supporting my "reasons" for drinking I had successfully deceived her that if she changed everything would improve. My wife now minimised everything that was happening and literally accepted the blame for my drinking. But with my increased drinking this was soon difficult even for her and that is when she slipped into the next stage, that of the controller.

As my wife's feelings of self worth decreased she increasingly felt responsible and this was help along by my increased projections. So in an unconscious attempt to regain some feeling of self worth, the attitude of controller became part of her defensive lifestyle. That is when she began to cancel any social meeting which might have led to excessive drinking (this included even weddings) or if we had to go, drinking with me in the hope it would help keep me within limits. She also pleaded that if I loved her or the children, I would control my drinking and finally she assumed responsibility for the family finances.

Many must be wondering why she could not see the reality, that seems would have been obvious. But it is not that simple. My projections sent her the constant message "if not for me, he would not drink this way." My drinking was like a failure on her part and thus she would not be able to feel good about herself until my drinking was brought under control. But then this was a 'catch 22' situation as the more she tried to control my drinking, the more I drank and in another desperate attempt to handle her feelings of low self esteem she moved into the next stage: the blamer.

Another brick was now to be cemented onto her wall of self-deception and this was the attitude of blamer. This caused her to unwittingly project onto others her feelings of anger, fear, hate and failure where I now was seen as the cause of her problems. These bad feelings about herself would be thrown back at me in several ways like blaming ("if you could drink like a normal person I wouldn't be on your case") attacking ("why don't you start acting like a man and use some will power to control your drinking? After all I control my drinking!") This also led to threatening, ("If you don't shape up, me and the kids will leave") and silence where she would give me the cold shoulder.

But as my drinking continued unabated she begun to experience mood swings which ranged in extremes from depression and crying in the bedroom, to angry outbursts which could be triggered by very minor incidents and this only served to confuse her and made her even wonder if she was not going mad. Thus her defenses again rise and block out the full import of these feelings, which prevent her from understanding them and hence gaining a release from them.

She had now become so rigid and fixed in her defensive attitudes that other family members and friends began to feel uncomfortable with her. She was now the loner. She would unknowingly slip into such defensive roles as the martyr: "I would have been so far in life if only" or "I stay for the sake of the children" and "God knows I've tried!" She had now become the enabler. Isolated, hurt and confused by my drinking not seeing that she had progressively assumed more responsibility for me. This in turn allowed me to avoid the consequences of my abnormal drinking. Her desperate and compulsive attempts to control my drinking instead supported my chemical abuse! So as she became more alone and angry, I continued drinking.

My enabler was now my co-alcoholic. By this stage she sincerely believed her only problem was my drinking which was miles away from the reality. She could not see how her defensive attitudes kept her trapped in a life filled with self-pity, loneliness and hostility. Had we not been able to get help she would have continued to deteriorate emotionally even as she tried to pick up the pieces after each of my drinking bouts. Yet she was doing all this out of love (God bless her) and that is why even Alcoholics Anonymous have described the disease of alcoholism as "cunning, baffling, powerful."

The above scenario applies even to husbands who have alcoholic wives. Does this apply to your situation? Because if it does you have to become the intervener. Analyze how you have reacted to your spouse's alcoholism? Try and see how your actions have helped their continued drinking. But mainly realise that you are not the cause of their disease. Alcoholism does not come in bottles, but in people.

You have to separate yourself from their disease and look it from a position of detachment. Only then will you be able to help them on the road to their recovery. There are a lot of myths surrounding the disease of alcoholism. There are a lot of apparent 'realities' like the above scenario which border on the bizarre. But they all have rational explanations and courses of remedial action. It is nobody's fault if one is alcoholic. However once you know or suspect you are and take no steps to rectify the situation then the blame lies squarely on you head. Let us all learn as much as we can about this disease and stop hiding our alcoholics and instead get them the help that is readily available.

David Ogot snr. is a freelance journalist/producer who has personal experience with alcoholism. He can be reached at goinghomedotcom@yahoo.com

A condensed version of this article appeared in the September issue of BIOSAFETY NEWS (No 45, Special Edition) Under the headingThe spouse could be an unwitting enabler It also appeared in The People On Sunday Newspaper, 18th. April 2004 under the heading 'My wife, my enabler and supplier.'