Components of a healthy family

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COMPONENTS OF THE HEALTHY FAMILY

(Misunderstandings, conflict, resentments and other negative feelings in the family are often "triggers" for relapse for the chemically dependent person. Below is a list of healthy components to the family.)

Communicates and listens
Affirms and supports one another.
Teaches respect for others
Develops a sense of trust.
Has a sense of play and humor.
Exhibits a sense of shared responsibility.
Teaches a sense of right and wrong.
Has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound.
Has a balance of interaction among members.
Has a religious core.
Respects the privacy of one another.
Values service to others.
Fosters 'table time' and conversations.
Shares leisure time.
Admits to and seeks help with problems.

SUGGESTIONS FOR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS OF AN ADDICT

Be prepared that some changes occur. Be aware that recuperation takes time and there will be ups and downs. Recognize your own need for support. It is 'OK' to experience human feelings of frustration and resentment. Avoid blame and guilt for self and family members. Give quiet encouragement. Talk about the future in terms of 'when you get better', not, 'if you get better'. Accept and assist family members in proper maintenance of medication. Allow quiet or alone time. Allow times for fun for the whole family.

RULES FOR FAIR FIGHTING OR HOW TO DISAGREE WITH YOUR PARTNER OR FAMILY MEMBERS AND REMAIN FRIENDS

Fair Behavior	Unfair Behaviour
Speak one at a time and allow for equal time.	Name calling
Look for Compromise	Opening old wounds. Dredging up hurtful topics.
Try not to generalize, be specific.	Getting off the subject, going on wild tangents, or avoiding the subject.
All for TIME OUT	Intimidation. Threats of violence.
Observe the rules you have set.	Changing the rules without telling.
No force. No Hitting. No threats of force.	Expecting there to be a winner and not compromising.
Show personal respect	Saving up Gripes to dump all at once.
Be honest for yourself.	Reading the others mind.
Give reasons for your actions.	Denying the facts.
Admit when you are wrong.	Using sex, money, or the children as a leverage.
Make your agreements clear by repeating them and writing them down.	Gloating over a 'victory'
	Pretending to ignore the other person.

NOTE: A TIME OUT is what you call when you need a few minutes to calm down. When you know you have become abusive, call a TIME OUT and go away for 30 minutes. Relax, call a friend, do some exercises and get yourself clear about what is happening.

REMEMBER: It is okay to disagree and accept another person's opinion. Trying to win someone over to your side is not always necessary. Two people can disagree - without being disagreeable. In other words, two people can have a very loving relationship and still hold different opinions about certain issues.

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