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What do you do if you love a drunk? "Stop loving him. It is pointless loving a drunk who thinks the bottle is better than his children and their mother."
This was the sage piece of advice dispensed by Mrs Manda in the “You have a problem -Mrs Manda has the solution” column (DN 1.09.04) to WM of Nairobi. This 32-year-old lady wrote saying she was separated from her husband of seven years with whom she has two daughters. She went on to lament that even though he earns more than she does, he spends it all with drinks with his friends while also getting drunk and "even beats me."
She however agonises because “he is very good to our daughters when sober and loving to me and we have good times - but this is only once or twice a week.” It was here that she asked should she give him another chance and Mrs Manda tersely replied "he is using you and you are falling for his tricks.” She concluded, “a man who violates women has no business having one in his life."
This is the perennial problem spouses are faced with namely love them or leave them? How long do you stay, when do you go? When is enough actually enough? How many beatings, fights, altercations, broken promises, misused money, hospital visits, disappointed and confused children constitutes the proverbial final straw?
This is never a clear-cut issue. But what is very clear is that one has to face up to the problem. Alcoholism. Say it out aloud, roll it around your tongue and say Alcoholic! That is when you are able to step back and see the problem not the person (my husband, wife, son etc.)
Kenyans (Mrs Manda evidently no exception) do not generally know that alcoholism is a disease. Nor do they know that though chronic it can be managed. So when she left him seven years ago WM left her husband because of the symptoms of his disease. No use to her, him least of all to her two daughters.
What she needs to do is realise that her husband is alcoholic. Then look for ways of treating his alcoholism. If he then refuses even after an intervention - then leave him. But you will have left him with the tools to help himself. You will have left him knowing his drinking is the root of all his problems and he is the solution. But best of all WM you will also have understood that your husband is a sick person with a disease called alcoholism and that he was not ‘violating’ you.
I should know 27 years of drinking, four children but we are all together in the last four sober glorious years. That is what alcoholism is about. Recognising it, accepting it, treating it and getting on with the rest of your life. So WM love the man, but hate the disease.
David Ogot Sr.
1st. September 2004
Nairobi, Kenya
This article was sent to the Daily Nation newspaper who declined to print it.
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