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I am 32 years old with two daughters and love my husband of seven years very much even though he is a drunk, which caused us to separate as he used to be abusive and violent when drunk though very loving when sober - what can I do?
"Stop loving him. It is pointless loving a drunk who thinks the bottle is better than his children and their mother. Verbal love messages cannot translate into food, shelter or clothing. He is using you and you are falling for his tricks. And life dictates that a man who violates women has no business having one in his life."
This then was the answer recently forthcoming from an agony aunt by the name Mrs Manda in her weekly column "You have a problem, Mrs Manda has the solution" which runs on Wednesdays in one of Kenya's daily newspapers.
This set off a series of protest notes to the column which though they were right in protesting her simplistic answer, were equally wrong in basis for the gist of their arguments was that one should stick out this state of affairs no matter what hoping that sooner or later the drunk would see the error of their ways.
WM the lady who sent in a plea for help stated "he is very good to our daughters when sober and loving towards me and we have good times - but this is only once or twice a week. Should I give him another chance since he says he is sorry and wants to work things out for the better though he only sends verbal messages to our daughters that he loves them."
All over Kenya there are spouses in this situation wondering whether to leave or to endure? Indeed not only spouses, but children, friends, relatives are faced with this decision while employers have to decide whether to sack or to give one last chance to excessively-drinking employees.
So where does one turn to for advice? Obviously not those of the ilk of Mrs. Manda who even though she printed a couple of the angry responses she received only did so to show how wrong they were and conversely how right she was. For the columnist stuck to her guns.
This is not the first time such a columns have given a simplistic answers to what is a complicated disease indeed their answers show that they do not know alcoholism is a disease. Instead as society has done from time immemorial they slap a moral twist on the whole issue, label the fellow a drunk who is 'willfully' doing what he is doing probably because he is 'morally weak, lacking in spine or willpower and is a good-for-nothing lay-about.'
WM and her two daughters will end up the losers here when they listen to such advice which due to it’s source, they will probably take as gospel. Yet this lady appears to be as conversant with alcoholism and indeed addiction as I am of nuclear science.
This is the major conundrum we have in Kenya about drug addiction and more so addiction to the drug alcohol or alcoholism. Where do we turn to for accurate information? How do we know it is accurate? What are the qualifications of the people involved in dispensing this information?
For let us not kid ourselves as the answers to these questions literally mean life or death to thousands. Why do we casually play around with the lives of thousands?
Any effort to create awareness on the dangers in alcohol consumption, not excess but consumption, dangers involved right from the first sip, are nil. Any other time the subject is tackled it is by quacks like Mrs Manda who are unfortunately not your harmless variety of quack but indeed extremely dangerous due to the nature of alcohol and the credibility lent by a regular byline in a newspaper or magazine.
The media carries information far and wide. In the same manner it will disperse misinformation. The alcohol manufacturing industry have long recognised this and use it to their advantage to increase sales. And they use all media from the normal print (newspapers, magazines, newsletters) and electronic (radio, television, internet) to billboards, vehicle, building and other branding.
Indeed they even turn our offices, homes and even you into free advertising. For when you place that glossy calendar you received 'free' inserted into your newspaper or magazine and quickly pin it up on the wall you are not only giving free advertisement but at the same time apparently endorsing the product. This happens when you put on T-shirts, sweaters, carry umbrellas or other branded goods and in effect turn yourself into a walking billboard.
It is at this point that we realise the only constant, regular, well thought out campaigns on alcohol come from the industry -and all of them point out the benefits of drinking. They urge you to drink up to be successful, witty, sexy. These advertisements imply that your life is incomplete without alcohol.
Then as regular as clock work they announce their financial results with massive dividends to shareholders and plans to increase sales. This is a mood-altering drug we are talking about. Increase sales to who? How many new drinkers come into the market each year and when do we reach saturation point? That is not their problem they say for it is only the few who 'abuse' alcohol who will have a problem. We are responsible and always warn the consumer that "over-consumption is harmful."
Why do they never define 'over-consumption'? These are the other P.R. gimmicks that allow them to pass off alcohol as a benign product, which if used in 'moderation' is even beneficial to ones health.
In fact they say let us have a little reward for our loyal customers. So begins another the-more-you-drink-the-more-chances-you-have-of-winning competition. But the only winners are the brewers who laugh themselves hoarse all the way to the bank.
The same Kenyan-media who could save us who are in turn slaves to the advertising budgets of the alcohol industry who spend billions for the slick ads which bombard us every waking minute in the print and electronic media.
We need to change this imbalance for when it comes to drug abuse alcohol is the leading drug of choice for hundreds of thousands of Kenyans and the consequences are felt by many helpless spouses like WM.
If she is reading this do not leave your drunk who in all probability sounds like an alcoholic until you have found out more about this disease and what steps you can take to help your loved one. For it is a disease which though not curable is manageable.
It is also welcome news that a charitable trust based in Kenya has declared October to be the inaugural National Alcohol Awareness Month. The organization plans to run a month long series of activities to sensitise Kenyans on the true nature of alcohol and what to do to help those whose drinking is impacting negatively on their lives as well as those around them. Watch this space.
David Ogot Sr.
13th. September 2004
Nairobi, Kenya
The writer is a freelance journalist/producer with personal experience of alcoholism. Ogot who is a recovering alcoholic can be reached at goinghomedotcom@yahoo.com , website: www.goinghomekenya.org
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