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Dear Madam,
This is some advice for Caroline Munyeti 'Till death do us part' by Seeb Durazi (Saturday Magazine 3-9 July 2004) and indeed for all spouses out there with alcoholic husbands - stop being co-alcoholics while enabling your significant others to continue drinking until one day they maim or kill you unintentionally when drunk.
Mrs. Munyeti was quoted as having said, "over the years I have become immune to his ways" because though her husband might be alcoholic, "his loyalty to me is his greatest virtue."
She goes on that "I left him several times, but I ended up going back. I still cared for him, and he was the father of my children. Above all he had never been unfaithful to me." The reason that this long-suffering woman gives for bearing with all this in spite of even being locked out on a cold verandah for the whole night while eight months pregnant after admonishing him for urinating in the kitchen is that "nobody is perfect."
She concludes that they must remain together for the sake of the children. This couldn't be further from the truth. However this is typical co-addict (co-alcoholic) thinking. Her husband reacts badly from his use of alcohol and she too reacts badly to his use of the drug.
But the children too are being exposed to all the abuse and neglect and fighting that they cannot hide from. Consequently they too will soon start to act out if different ways which are coping mechanisms to deal with the situation they are what are known as Children Of Alcoholics (COAs) a group which has hitherto been completely ignored when dealing with addiction with all the attention going to the addict.
If these kids do no get help they grow up into ACOA's (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) carrying these mental scars into their own marriages and either abusing drugs or marrying addicts in the hope of being able to fix them where they could not fix their parents. Of course this will fail and the whole cycle will start with their children.
In marriage 'till death do us part' does not mean being helpless. When there is a problem you look for a solution and for alcoholism (like other drug addictions) solutions are there. Space will not allow me to give a more detailed explanation however please log on to my website www.goinghomedotcom.org so that you too may 'go home' by coming in from the cold.
Because otherwise waiting for your husband Dennis to change is like waiting for Godot and by the time the booze kills him all you are left with is regret and as we say in my mother tongue "regret never leads but always comes later"
David Ogot Sr.
Recovering Alcoholic
5th July 2004
Nairobi, Kenya
NB This letter was sent to Nation Newspapers who declined to publish it.
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